


What if . . .

by 0hhey_imgay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor - Freeform, Fluff, Fluffy, Gay, Hansen - Freeform, Jared - Freeform, M/M, Musicals, Smut, angsty, boy - Freeform, connor Murphy - Freeform, dear evan hansen - Freeform, smut MAYBE, treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 17:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0hhey_imgay/pseuds/0hhey_imgay
Summary: What if Evan Hansen had stopped Connor Murphy from walking out of that computer lab? What if Evan had explained what the letter was to Connor and that he didn't write it to spite him? What if Evan right there and then realized how hurt Connor was and decided to ask him to stay and talk? What if Connor never ended up killing himself that God awful day?





	What if . . .

**CONNOR** : _So. What happened to your arm?_

 **EVAN** : _Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually._

Connor can't help but laugh.

 ** **CONNOR**** : _You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my God._

Evan tries to laugh along.

 **EVAN** : _I know_. 

 **CONNOR** (Noticing): _No one’s signed your cast._

 **EVAN** : _No, I know_. 

 **CONNOR** : _I’ll sign it._  

 **EVAN** : _Oh. Um . . . you don’t have to._  

 **CONNOR** : _Do you have a Sharpie?_

Evan reluctantly pulls out a Sharpie, and hands it to Connor. Evan watches in dismay as Connor signs his name in an outsized scrawl, covering an entire side of the cast.

 **EVAN** : _Oh. Great. Thanks._

 **CONNOR** : _Now we can both pretend that we have friends._

 **EVAN** : _Good point_.

Evan takes the marker, and turns to go. Connor holds out a piece of paper.

 **CONNOR** : _Is this yours? I found it on the printer. “Dear Evan Hansen.” That’s your name, right?_           
   
Evan feels a surge of fear.

 **EVAN** : _Oh that’s just a stupid, it’s a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment . . ._

Connor looks down at the paper.

 **CONNOR** : _“Because there’s Zoe.”_ (Realizing) _Is this about my sister?_

Connor’s mood shifts suddenly, abruptly.

 **EVAN** : _No. Not at all_. 

 **CONNOR** : _You wrote this because you knew that I would find it._

 **EVAN** : _What_? 

 **CONNOR** : _You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out, so that I would find it._

 **EVAN** : _Why, why would I do that?_  

 **CONNOR** : _So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister, and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?_

 **EVAN** : _No. Wait. I don’t even, what?_  

 **CONNOR** : _Fuck you_.

 

     "Connor, wait!" Evan starts to panic. He reaches his hand out and gently but quickly grabs Connor's wrist. He just wants to explain the misunderstanding. Connor was the only person so far today that has been even remotely nice to him, and he would hate to ruin a possible friendship before it even started.

     "Ow! Shit! What the fuck, Evan?! Let go of me, you psychopath!" Connor pulls his wrist way.

    Evan is confused, because he hardly even grabbed Connor, he can't see how that could have possibly hurt him. The realization of what it could be kicks in as he responds, "Connor I, I just want to explain, explain what I um, what the letter really was before you leave. Despite what, despite what you may think, I did not write that letter to hurt you," Evan looks away quickly after speaking.

     Connor sighs. "Okay. Whatever, I'll give you five minutes to explain yourself. Just because of how pathetically desperate you look right now."

     Evan lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding in. "Thank you."

     "I have to go to, go to therapy because of um, because of my social anxiety," Evan says playing with his cast while looking at Connor's name.

     "Yeah no kidding you have anxiety, you can't even make it through a simple sentence without stuttering," Connor barks a small laugh. The tension Connor was holding on to starts to fall a bit when he sees Evan blush and form a small smile.

     Evan continues with, "Yes, yes um sorry. I see a doctor named, named Dr. Sherman. Well Dr. Sherman makes me write these, these letters to myself. I hate it but he insist. They are supposed to, supposed to be a confidence booster or something like that. They go, they go like 'Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day and here is why . . . '," Evan still looks at his cast not being able to make eye contact with Connor.

    "Hey, look at me," Connor goes and Evan does. "So. 'Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day and here's why', eh?"

    Evan can't really make out any words so he just nods his head and looks away again.

    "Hey, I thought I said to look at me Evan," Connor says much softer now and Evan does.

    "A good day," Connor repetes. "Except it wasn't a very good day, was it? ' _Dear Evan Hansen, It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because . . . why would it be_?'" Connor recites what he had read off of the letter.

    Evan doesn't look away from Connor this time, but tears are starting to threaten to slip from his eyes.

    "But this still doesn't explain why you wrote about my sister," Connor says looking right into Evan's eyes, as if he was searching for answers in them.

    "Well, well this is going to, going to um, sound creepy no matter, no matter how I put it, so what the heck? I have had a crush on Zoe for a while now. I have never really talked to her, talked to her except for a couple of times. But I guess, I guess me wanting to get the courage to, courage to talk to her kind of gives me something to hold on to. So that I don't let go, let go of the branch of the tree that I am holding on to," Evan says thinking he's explained it all pretty well, until Connor's face drops a bit.

    "Evan how did you really break your arm?" Connor says suddenly now tears threatening to fall out of his eyes.

    "I, I do not um, understand. I, I already told you that I, that I fell from a tree," Evan says his anxiety starting to return again.

    "Yeah that's what you said, but did you fall or did you let go?" Connor says trying to keep himself together.

    Evan doesn't understand why Connor is getting so worked up about it. He doesn't know Connor all that well, and he didn't think anyone would even care if he let go. "I-" Evan's words betray him and he can't speak.

    "I'm sorry, I'm getting all emotional and shit, I barely know you, I probably seem like some freak now," Connor pauses and laughs a little to let out some of the tension. "It's just-"

 

 **Connor** : _Guys like you and me, we’re just the losers who keep waiting to be seen. Right? I mean . . . No one seems to care, or stops to notice that we’re there, so we just get lost in the in-between. But, n_ o _one deserves to be forgotten. No one deserves to fade away. No one should come and go, and have no one know, he was ever even here. No one deserves, to disappear, to disappear._           

Evan begins to be convinced

 **EVAN** : _It is true_. 

 **CONNOR** : _Even if you’ve always been that, barely-in-the-background kind of guy . . ._

 ** _EVAN/CONNOR_** : _You still matter._  

 **CONNOR** : _And even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling that the world’s passed you by . . ._  

 **EVAN** : _You still matter._  

 **CONNOR** : _And even if you never get around to doing some remarkable kind of thing . . ._  
   
**EVAN/CONNOR** : That doesn’t mean . . .

 **EVAN** :  _That you are not worth remembering._  
  
**CONNOR** : _No one deserves to be forgotten._

 **CONNOR/EVAN** : _No one deserves to fade away . . ._ _N_ _o one should flicker out, or have any doubt, that it matters that they are here. No one deserves to disapear._

_  
_

Evan can no longer hold back the tears that he was holding in before.

    "Hey, don't cry. What's wrong?" Connor says resting his hand over his shoulder.

    "It's just, it is just I have always been nervous or scared around you. Because of, because of the um rumors that I hear, and because of, because of when you pushed me in the hall-" Evan pauses trying to get himself together.

     "I really am sorry 'bout that, misunderstanding I suppose. Just like with what happened here just now," Connor smiles when Evan keeps going.

     "It's just, it is just I never gave myself the chance, the chance to try to be friends with you. And you are, you are great," Evan says tears now flowing down his face. "You are great. And it hurts me so much to know that someone great like you is just like me, and, and hurts themself." Evan finishes now trying to keep his breathing regular.

    Connor takes a step back face now filled with panic. "How did you, how did you know?" Is all he can manage to get out.

    Connor isn't looking at Evan and Evan takes his hand and puts it on Connor's cheek to lead his eyes to Evan's.

    "When I was trying to stop you from leaving earlier, I grabbed your wrist," Evan takes the hand that he grabbed earlier a lot more careful this time. "I did not grab it very hard, but you flinched and reacted like I had just stabbed you," Evan lets his fingers fall down to Connor's sleave on his jacket and very slowly -to make sure it is okay- lifts it up.

    Evan looks down and has to force himself not to gasp. It was a lot worse then he thought. Years worth of scars, so many, and so many that were fresh. It looks as if he had just done some an hour ago. Connor trys to look away tears now spilling from his eyes.

     "Hey, don't look away," Evan makes out, very soft like. "It is okay Connor, you are not alone anymore. I don't hate you and I don't think that you are a freak," Evan says with a gentle smile as Connor looks at him.

     "Thank you. That's pretty much the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," Connor says with a forced laugh tears still slowly coming from his eyes.

    Evan wipes the tears from Connor's cheek and smiles. "Hey, you want to go out?"

    "You askin' me out Hansen?" Connor says with a smirk.

    "What, no, no. I just mean, I just mean you said ' _now we can pretend we both have friends_ ' and well um what if we do not have to pretend. My mom is going to be out late with work then class and I was thinking we could go get some pizza maybe? I mean you do not have to if you don't want to, it is just I do not want to be alone and you seem like you could use a break with everything and-" Evan was rambling hoping that he didn't mess everything up now when he gets interrupted.


End file.
